Today is my birthday. I'm no longer a teenager.... And I guess that's okay. Today hasn't been so great. I'm feeling like I'm being pulled back down again. I really want to give up the gym and the diet and just lay in bed. Part of it is the fact that I've been doing really well on my diet and haven't lost any weight in over a week, and part of it is me just feeling like crap. Happy birthday, right? I know I'm just being whiney, but it's just been a crappy week. I locked my keys in my house. Stupid right? Hopefully it'll get better. I'm pretty much gonna gorge myself on fattening delicious foods that make my mouth water right now.
I really wish I had something motivational to say to you all right now, but I don't have it in me. Sorry guys. Some days just suck. And you gotta push through. Or lay in bed. That sounds good too.
Monday, March 10, 2014
Thursday, March 6, 2014
I hate my job and I'm moving.
Well, I do hate my job. Serving ungrateful people that snap at me when they need something... do you not realize I will snap your fingers off? I had one table legit leave me nothing after they came in 3 minutes before closing. I wanted to beat them up in the parking lot. RAH, I HATE MY JOB. I just needed to get that out. Funny story though. A legit 400 lb woman came in. Ordered the 4 course feast. Ate like 25 biscuits. Ordered a diet coke and asked if we had any light dressings. What. Just no. TWENTY FIVE BISCUITS.
Other than that. I am moving! The 15th of March I move into my new apartment. It's larger, cheaper, and I have more closets. Hallelujah! I'm really excited to rearrange my stuff, and I may have bought some stuff. But my birthday is coming up so I deserve it right? At least, that's what I tell myself. Sorry this one is kinda short and rushed. I'm going to my therapist, then my class, then the gym. Being all I can be you know? Some days are still really hard, I really disappointed myself when I dropped that Biology class. But it happens.
Part of dealing with depression is learning to accept, love, and forgive yourself. I'm happier now that I'm honestly beginning to appreciate myself for everything that I am, as well as everything I'm not. Well, gonna go do my do. Stay gucci.
Other than that. I am moving! The 15th of March I move into my new apartment. It's larger, cheaper, and I have more closets. Hallelujah! I'm really excited to rearrange my stuff, and I may have bought some stuff. But my birthday is coming up so I deserve it right? At least, that's what I tell myself. Sorry this one is kinda short and rushed. I'm going to my therapist, then my class, then the gym. Being all I can be you know? Some days are still really hard, I really disappointed myself when I dropped that Biology class. But it happens.
Part of dealing with depression is learning to accept, love, and forgive yourself. I'm happier now that I'm honestly beginning to appreciate myself for everything that I am, as well as everything I'm not. Well, gonna go do my do. Stay gucci.
Friday, February 28, 2014
My black pants have hair all over them, and I don't care.
I'm wearing black running pants and they are covered in Reilly hair. Sur don't cur.
Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was exhausted beyond belief. I got up at 8:00 to go to the eye doctor. They put those damn drops in that make you look like a high douchebag because you have to wear sunglasses inside. But I got some new glasses, they should be ready in a week. And I got some contacts. They gave me a week of free trials, heck yes. After that I went to class, then to the gym, then I came home and took a 3 hour nap. I should've studied, but I think I'm getting sick. Strike that. I am sick. Stuffy nose, cough, sneezing. Attractive I know. I'm trying not to take medicine though, because I would rather my body just fight it off.
Other than that, not a ton to update on my work guy, other than the fact that when I came in on Wednesday he made a point to come over and talk to me. So that's good right? Oh, and we were talking and he said something about his day wouldn't have been so good if it wasn't for something. He was eating so I jokingly said, "because of your food?" He said," No, you should know why." Maybe my girlish charms have lured him in like a siren of the night. I am rather seductive. If only.
Gonna go now. My reproductive class is giving us drinks and popcorn so we can watch animal sex time. What, what.
Sorry I didn't post yesterday. I was exhausted beyond belief. I got up at 8:00 to go to the eye doctor. They put those damn drops in that make you look like a high douchebag because you have to wear sunglasses inside. But I got some new glasses, they should be ready in a week. And I got some contacts. They gave me a week of free trials, heck yes. After that I went to class, then to the gym, then I came home and took a 3 hour nap. I should've studied, but I think I'm getting sick. Strike that. I am sick. Stuffy nose, cough, sneezing. Attractive I know. I'm trying not to take medicine though, because I would rather my body just fight it off.
Other than that, not a ton to update on my work guy, other than the fact that when I came in on Wednesday he made a point to come over and talk to me. So that's good right? Oh, and we were talking and he said something about his day wouldn't have been so good if it wasn't for something. He was eating so I jokingly said, "because of your food?" He said," No, you should know why." Maybe my girlish charms have lured him in like a siren of the night. I am rather seductive. If only.
Gonna go now. My reproductive class is giving us drinks and popcorn so we can watch animal sex time. What, what.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Going to the gym... with depression
It always helps me to do things when I think about the fact that yeah, other people can do the things I'm doing, probably better in fact. But they aren't dealing with the things I am. They don't have that backpack. This helps with most things. I made an 82 on my genetics test, with depression! GO FUCKING ME because I didn't lay in bed and eat ice cream like I wanted to. YEAH. The one thing that this does not help with is the gym. Oh god the gym. There are so many people there with bodies so sculpted that Michelangelo would've envied. One girl had a butt so nice that I had a hard time staring, much less the guys. But I'm at the gym, with depression, I say! It doesn't help when I can feel my arm flabbing while I blunder about on the elliptical, while the toned girl next to me flexes her bicep.But I go. Honestly it makes me feel better. Those endorphins and what not. I just hate questioning my self confidence more than I already do. But wait for the day that I am that girl with the killer booty. I'll be throwing that thing all over the place. Boom, boom, boom. At the end of the day I'm doing it for myself. If I look better today than I did last week then it's okay. I'm okay. I'm currently 15 pounds down and feel so much better. I'm sleeping better, and I feel healthier.
This is not pushing me to get to to lose or gain weight, or even get in shape, though I do recommend it. This is just me saying that sometimes situations make you feel bad about yourself, but push through because by damn you're doing it with depression. You can do it. This is my personal struggle. This is what I'm doing for myself because this isn't me and i don't feel comfortable with my body or how it looks. If you are happy with the way you look you freaking stay with that! The older I get the more I realize that my personal self worth and self satisfaction is worth what 1,000 other people think about me. Losing yourself for someone else or to fit in is the worst thing you can do. I was lucky enough to find super supportive friends that accept me with all of my idiosyncrasies. They stand behind me and in front of me if I need them to, and I couldn't love them more for that. I need them and would do anything for them. There are always people out there willing to carry you if you need it. Hell, I would carry a stranger if they were going through what I was. Just reach out to someone. It took me 8 months to get help. Some never do. Some are too afraid of criticism. Don't be afraid. YOU ARE STRONG.
This is not pushing me to get to to lose or gain weight, or even get in shape, though I do recommend it. This is just me saying that sometimes situations make you feel bad about yourself, but push through because by damn you're doing it with depression. You can do it. This is my personal struggle. This is what I'm doing for myself because this isn't me and i don't feel comfortable with my body or how it looks. If you are happy with the way you look you freaking stay with that! The older I get the more I realize that my personal self worth and self satisfaction is worth what 1,000 other people think about me. Losing yourself for someone else or to fit in is the worst thing you can do. I was lucky enough to find super supportive friends that accept me with all of my idiosyncrasies. They stand behind me and in front of me if I need them to, and I couldn't love them more for that. I need them and would do anything for them. There are always people out there willing to carry you if you need it. Hell, I would carry a stranger if they were going through what I was. Just reach out to someone. It took me 8 months to get help. Some never do. Some are too afraid of criticism. Don't be afraid. YOU ARE STRONG.
Catching a Man at Work
So, working in a restaurant is different from other places. Most people are young, and to use to old aging, hormone run wild. Flirting is a way of interacting with your coworkers. I got an offer to lick a very intimate part of my body yesterday.
Anyways, there is a guy that works in the back. He is a really good guy. His personality is great and he always makes me laugh. Plus, I've noticed I have a weakness for beards.... It's really sexy. So I just talk to him every time I see him. I'm not really pushing it that hard because he just got out of a relationship and one I am not gonna be someone's rebound. Two, I really don't know if I'm in the place I want to be yet. (Not that I would turn him down, I mean I'm not stupid, or maybe I am) Either way, I'm letting it run its course in whatever way it does. Apparently he checked out my Facebook though, even though he doesn't have one, so that means something right? So for now I'm wearing my man catching lipgloss.
Hopefully I'll have an update on that for you soon :)
Anyways, there is a guy that works in the back. He is a really good guy. His personality is great and he always makes me laugh. Plus, I've noticed I have a weakness for beards.... It's really sexy. So I just talk to him every time I see him. I'm not really pushing it that hard because he just got out of a relationship and one I am not gonna be someone's rebound. Two, I really don't know if I'm in the place I want to be yet. (Not that I would turn him down, I mean I'm not stupid, or maybe I am) Either way, I'm letting it run its course in whatever way it does. Apparently he checked out my Facebook though, even though he doesn't have one, so that means something right? So for now I'm wearing my man catching lipgloss.
Hopefully I'll have an update on that for you soon :)
Monday, February 24, 2014
My dog
A list of nicknames for my dog from least to most ridiculous, in order.
Reilly Roo
Reilly Roodles
Reilly Roodally
Roodles
Roodle Doodles
Doodles
Doodally Doo
Duckins
Ducker Doos
Duckally Doos
Oodally Doodally
Doodalian
Pupper Huffin Stuff
Huffer Puppin Stuff
Fluffer Puppin Stuff
Oodally Doodally Reilly Roodally
Yeah, I'm nuts (for my dog).
Reilly Roo
Reilly Roodles
Reilly Roodally
Roodles
Roodle Doodles
Doodles
Doodally Doo
Duckins
Ducker Doos
Duckally Doos
Oodally Doodally
Doodalian
Pupper Huffin Stuff
Huffer Puppin Stuff
Fluffer Puppin Stuff
Oodally Doodally Reilly Roodally
Yeah, I'm nuts (for my dog).
Depression is not weakness
Okay, I kinda abandoned this for a little while, because I was working through some things for myself. Mainly classes and work and all the regular things. I'm dropping a biology class because I FUCKED UP and didn't study because I just didn't and made a 46 on my test. What what! Yeah, a whopping 46. Sooooo, taking it this summer. Ya, know. But other than that I am moving. Pretty sick of my apartment and the management, and I found a bigger apartment for less money. AND I GET A DISHWASHER. A WASHER FOR MY DISHES. I'm a little excited for that in case you can't tell. I feel like I'm trying to update on 2 weeks worth of stuff in like 3 sentences, but I also joined a gym and splurged on a couple personal training sessions. I'm gonna be buff yo. The longer I'm on this medicine, the more I feel like doing things I used to love. Before, I was so constricted in what I still liked that it was a struggle to take my dogs out to use the bathroom. Some days are still hard, but now I actually want to get up, I want to go out and play with my dogs and work out at the gym. I'm loving my Animal Science classes again. I'm finally piecing my life back together and getting back to me. Because with depression I was the empty shell that remained of myself.
The reason I updated you all is because I'm gonna try to do this more. Just remember, no one blames someone for taking medicine to reduce their blood pressure. You shouldn't have to feel weak because you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. It is not your fault and you don't have to feel like it is. You deserve a goddamned medal every time you get out of bed. Hell, you deserve a medal for staying in bed. Two medals if you go outside that day. A whole boatload if you somehow manage to go to class and do your homework.
The only way I have found to describe to someone without depression is to imagine carrying a backpack full of bricks. And you have wrist and ankle weights. And you're trying to run in a race, and it's hot outside and everyone else doesn't have to carry the backpack. You keep falling further and further behind, and people are yelling at you because you can't keep up. And finally you just sit down because it's too hard and you can't do it and that makes you feel like the stupidest, weakest human beings in existence because YOU CAN'T KEEP UP even though you're trying, so you quit. And that makes you feel even worse, so you crawl along, your heart breaking as you watch everyone else speed by because they don't have that backpack. The only difference is that for a long time I didn't realize I had the backpack on. I thought it was just me. I thought that this was all that there was to me, that there was no difference between the people running by me, so fast, and myself. Just remember you are not alone. There are other people with the backpack on, struggling. And they will help you because they know what its like.
The reason I updated you all is because I'm gonna try to do this more. Just remember, no one blames someone for taking medicine to reduce their blood pressure. You shouldn't have to feel weak because you have a chemical imbalance in your brain. It is not your fault and you don't have to feel like it is. You deserve a goddamned medal every time you get out of bed. Hell, you deserve a medal for staying in bed. Two medals if you go outside that day. A whole boatload if you somehow manage to go to class and do your homework.
The only way I have found to describe to someone without depression is to imagine carrying a backpack full of bricks. And you have wrist and ankle weights. And you're trying to run in a race, and it's hot outside and everyone else doesn't have to carry the backpack. You keep falling further and further behind, and people are yelling at you because you can't keep up. And finally you just sit down because it's too hard and you can't do it and that makes you feel like the stupidest, weakest human beings in existence because YOU CAN'T KEEP UP even though you're trying, so you quit. And that makes you feel even worse, so you crawl along, your heart breaking as you watch everyone else speed by because they don't have that backpack. The only difference is that for a long time I didn't realize I had the backpack on. I thought it was just me. I thought that this was all that there was to me, that there was no difference between the people running by me, so fast, and myself. Just remember you are not alone. There are other people with the backpack on, struggling. And they will help you because they know what its like.
Some medals that I found on tumblr for depression. Four for you Glen Coco. You go Glen Coco.
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